Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad