God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
They’re on their honeymoon
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok