Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows