Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Think I pulled my liver

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Lmao 🤣

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.