God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
You Might Also Like
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you