Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction