Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

realest tweet ever.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

at ease…shoulder.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident