Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Breaking news:

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

Jail

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.