Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Autocarrot sucks!

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.