Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Selfie

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

🤣

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”