God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

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Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?


Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.


boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift


I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.


Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.


I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.



Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.


As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”


AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless