God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”