GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
