GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My ideal weight is five million dollars
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
