GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
