Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

they see me scrollin

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.