Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters