Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

where’s Godzilla when we need him

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry