Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.