Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Succinctly put.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

🤣🤣

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather