Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.