Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.