Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

incredible text to wake up to