Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

socratic questions

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today