Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

PLOT TWIST:

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Hmm 🧐

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?