Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion