[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
british sex workers really pound for pound
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Print is alive and well!!!
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her