[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.