God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
So Hamburger help me, God
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much