God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
There is no try. There is only give up.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834