Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
You Might Also Like
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
choose your gary
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Ummm
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything