*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.