*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Cndnsd Mlk
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
fixed it
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
his wife is probably gonna see that
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.