*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together