Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now