Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

dude it’s called proctologist

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

He instantly became one of the bros

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake