God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
