God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
