God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
