Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter