Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’