God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.