God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?


No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.


Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.


Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.


Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop


If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.


My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.


*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*


Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!


Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?