God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
This is true.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Holy moly
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.