God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I have many caverns
liiiiiiiiike
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples