Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!