Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*