Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

The first one, obviously

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.