Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”

Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

*checks Timeline*…

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth