God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Got ya covered
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.