doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.