Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime