Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”