Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

why no one uses midhusbands

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Body by burrito

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

shit, they caught us—run!!!

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.