Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*