Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

somewhere, in an alternate universe

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

🍂🕷️🍂

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC