Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.