God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.