Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer