God saw you do that.
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Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Is fructose made with real fruct?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.