God saw you do that.
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
sigh
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
