God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest