God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Interior designer.
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.