God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
hackers play passwordle
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.