God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”