God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
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Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.