God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
No, I don’t think I will.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume