Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady