God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit