Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man