Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

My birthstone is a marshmallow

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

Goodnight 🐶

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Me, reading some of your tweets

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.