God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
