God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
You Might Also Like
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Cucumbers Anonymous
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Oh the world we live in…
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no