I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
emergency phone
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The days of good grammer has went
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.