Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

incredible text to wake up to

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.