Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Duolingo getting serious.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

The pen is writier than the sword.

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

me watching my own Instagram story

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

My humor is broken