Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.