Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

#parenting

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out