Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

A little too much information.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.